i don't know about right now.

i am having a hard time understanding my needs, i have no idea how big they are or if they even have the possibility of ever being met.

i need too much.

i want to never eat again and feel thoroughly light. i want to never speak to anyone and feel happy. i want to never leave my room and have that be enough. i want to know everything about the human body down to each of its electrons and neutrons and do absolutely nothing with that knowledge. i want to tattoo reminders of everything that i love on my body so that when i start to doubt why i am here, why i haven't left, i can look down on my arms and stomach and see that i am available for love!

(because i am you know!! i am just scared of betrayal. and i don't mean the physical kind..there are a lot of ways of deceiving someone and leading them astray. there are infidelities far larger than sex, true ones that are impossible to patch up)

forget it,
i change my fucking mind!
i want to need nothing. i want to want NOTHING.

I WANT TO WANT NOTHING.